Why women hate me.

Currently, there are three ladies in the office who are undergoing varying stages of pregnancy, and I think that’s beautiful. That whole 'cycle of life' thing, propagating the species, making tiny people to use up my air and piss in my water: couldn’t be more excited about, y’know, all that.

Still: y’all need to chill the fuck out.

I get it. You’ve got a living creature nestled in your gut, acting like the world’s biggest tapeworm, and your natural reaction is OHMYFUCKGETITOUT, and I’m sure there’s a whole buncha chemical mayhem going on in your head, plus a whole bucketful of other pre- and post-natal issues that I’m just completely oblivious to, because I’m, y’know, a guy, and all we respond to is porn and flicking each other in the crotch. I understand that life is not full of puppies for you right now.

Here’s what YOU need to understand: I didn’t put that thing in you. It’s not my fault, so quit snapping at me like I’m the culprit who sullied your womb. Besides, it’s not like any of you thought it was gonna be nine months of slight cramping followed by a delivery that resembles the half-hour you spend in the bathroom after Taco Bell. No one’s that delusional, except for maybe the Mormons. Seriously: unclench, just for a few seconds, okay? Thanks.

I got me new reading material (or, Here, Phoenix Comics, Please Take My Paycheque):

Doom Patrol: The Magic Bus – reading Grant Morrison is like taking LSD without having to procure it from smelly hippy types. I’ve mentioned before that everyone and their dog should read The Invisibles. Get to it.

Sandman Mystery Theatre: Dr. Death & The Night Of The Butcher – everyone’s writing about men in tights and capes punching each other, while Matt Wagner puts a bookworm in a gas mask and lets him loose on the criminal underworld of the 1930’s. Fun, noir detective fiction that sometimes gets a little scary.

100 Bullets: Decayed – yes, it’s a brilliant espionage/conspiracy series, but I really hope it wraps up soon, because I’m starting to lose track of who’s sleeping with whom and who’s double-crossed what and hey wasn’t he dead and who is this guy working for and what the hell is up with the guy in the shorts?

Loveless: Thicker Than Blackwater – Brian Azzerello writing a western? Yes, please.

Catwoman: The Replacements – honestly? I bought this for the Adam Hughes covers; tell me that’s not the sexiest Catwoman ever. No, really, I dare you.

Hellblazer: Reasons To Be Cheerful – the whole premise of this book is that John Constantine is a conniving sunavabitch who usually ends up fucking over his friends in order to save his own skin; sure, most of the time he’s SAVING THE WORLD as well, but there’s a long list of unnecessary casualties that he’s responsible for, and the challenge for every writer who takes on this series is to see just how low one can cause Constantine to plummet, while successfully redeeming him at the end. Mike Carey’s run has him going up against his own fake-but-grown-up children (it’s confusing, I know), who seem to be even bigger bastards than he’s ever been, so this is gonna be fun. Bloody, but fun.

…and may I just say that this is the best picture in the world right now, even if Rachel deserves many punches for buggin' me.

Okay, I'm done.