1000 Types of Grumpy.

So, yes, Jamie Fooks and I made a teenager cry; we didn't mean to, but it started with some confusion over a non-existent twenty-dollar bill and ended with a hot chocolate left cold and lonely on the bar for about an hour while this tiny girl sobbed in the corner as she waited for her parents to come pick her up. We are officially JERKS.

Also: you haven't lived until you've heard Fooks yell out, "My chin's gonna come over there and fuck you in the ass!" (No, she didn't say that to the teenager; I will say, however, that if you get the chance to spend any amount of time in a van with Jane Vain & The Dark Matter, you should do so, as it is better than LSD.)

Anyway: hey, I guess it's been some time, huh? I know, most of you can barely face the day without a dose of my online wit and wisdom (mostly concerning the fact that I have better taste in music than all of y'all, and occasionally regarding videos of wetbrained skate-jocks putting their feet through a woodchipper in order to gain fleeting internet fame...), but I've been apparently busy teaching my daughter how to projectile poop at the most inappropriate times, i.e., every time I remove her diaper.

It's a laugh. Really. Also: inserting suppositories into a constipated baby? Way to make me feel like a chump, Medical Science, and my daughter also thanks you for that gelatin brick that's lodged in her butt.

The sad fact is, though, that my updates are probably going to be few and far between for a little while, as making sure Hazel doesn't swallow her own fist and then headbutt the neighbour's dog has to be my first priority; besides, coming up with something witty to say about the new My Morning Jacket at 4:00 a.m. with only one hand free and vaseline lining your nasal cavity from the last time you changed the diaper and she kicked you in the nose is just HARD, y'know?

"But, Chris," you cry, "What the hell does any of this have to do with the title of the post, 1000 Types Of Grumpy?"

Oh, right, forgot about that...see, I work at a place where I have to deal with , well, assholes, and I have a tendency to sometimes treat customers gruffly, because, y'know, they're basically children and need to be scolded as such. There are times, also, when said people call me on my surly demeanour, an occasion that happened a few days back when Mads referred to me as Beano's token surly employee and a yuppie douchebag decided to inform me that I was 'missing out on a great path' and that the Buddhists had mapped out 1000 different types of bliss.

Because I'm a jerk and I can't keep my mouth shut, I replied, "Well, I've got 1000 types of grumpy."

After some more useless banter, which pretty much consisted of the two of us trying to out-clever each other and failing miserably, he said he was interested in seeing this list, which obviously I don't have, because ONLY BUDDHISTS SEEM TO HAVE THE TIME TO SIT AROUND AND KEEP TRACK OF HOW HAPPY THEY ARE. But, y'know, I said I'd get it to him, and now I've gotta come up with a list of the different ways I hate all of you. It's okay, though, because I've already got the first one: Oppositional Grumpiness, which occurs when someone decides to make it their business to try to cheer you up, resulting in your bad mood souring even further.

Hey, that was actually kinda easy. I might just enjoy this.

But, hey, what would a post of mine be without (ahem) stuff:

1. Penguin Books' amazing new advertising campaign.

2. I'm not sure about the new My Morning Jacket. Half of it is this weird 80's r&b vibe, while the other half is...not. I'm not saying it's bad - I'm just saying that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS IS.

3. David Lynch is awesome.

4. Death of a cel phone. (honestly, this is the creepiest thing I've seen in a long time; I swear to god, that's a demon that comes out of the wreckage...)

(Oh, hey - the new Indiana Jones? Aside from the putrid CGI squirrels at the beginning and the horrid tarzan scene, it was FANTASTIC. 'Nuff said.)

5. CD's you should own: J-Live's Then What Happened? (solid no-nonsense hip-hop), The Herbaliser's Same As It Never Was (ridiculously good funk/breakbeat/hip-hop/soul fusion, as always), The Notwist's The Devil, You & Me (electronic indie pop that has nothing to do with Ben Gibbard and therefore isn't sentimental beyond belief but will still break your heart at certain moments...).

6. TV shows you should avoid at all costs: Veronica Mars. No, really. Fuck. This. Shit.

7. I want to be Benjamin Linus when I grow up.

I think that's it for now. Like I said, updates on here might be spotty for the time being, although I'm actually thinking of just posting guerilla-style updates, for those times when you absolutely HAVE to know about NASA greeting aliens with Dorito ads. We'll see.

Go away. I have Surliness to document.