Your momma buys your bling.

God bless me, I just narrowly avoided being sucked into the 70s disaster that is known as Xanadu. It's one of those movies that has so much WRONG with it that you find yourself inexplicably unable to turn away from it's disco-glitter-on-rollerskates unholiness. Holy Christ, did Olivia Newton-John do ANY good movies? Poor Michael Beck; he went from this:

...to this:


...all in the space of one movie.

Okay, maybe he wasn't that good to begin with...

This is why I must cancel my cable subscription; otherwise, I end up watching dreck like this, for no other reason than 'it's four in the morning and I really don't feel like moving oh look cookies!'.

This is also why I am fat.

Anyway. Stuff:


1. The new Dizzee Rascal is holy-frigging-good. Think Ice Cube circa The Predator, and you'll have some idea of what I'm talking about. Tomorrow I'm gonna call everyone I know a 'pussyhole'. Plus: try to imagine a group of grown men in a studio surrounding a microphone and chanting 'Suck My Dick! Suck My Dick! Suck My Dick!' without busting a gut laughing.



Also: the DJ Food/DK Solid Steel comp is really worth checking out, despite it's thirty dollar price tag. Go to your local record store and steal it, instead. No, really, do it.


Also also: it stands to reason that you ALL should be proud owners of the new Pelican by now. It's only logical; to not do so is to be the type of person who says things like "bananas fit in my hand therefore god is real and science is dumb and also guys can't kiss each other." - and, frankly, if you're THAT type of person, maybe you don't DESERVE to listen to good music.


Did I mention that the new Battles is amazing? It sounds like the little people going off to war, and if that doesn't entice you, nothing will...

2. I'm a nerd. I love sci-fi, I can't wait until the day when we all have computers in our heads, I sometimes find robots sexy.

This, however, freaks me the fuck out.

3. 'Ship Of Fools' by Richard Paul Russo: this won an award named after Phillip K Dick? Seriously? Are you all high? What a boring piece of shit. "We've been going through space in a ship for so long that we can't remember where we're from and oh here are some bodies that means that there's evil in the universe and god has abandoned us and oh yeah I'm a dwarf with a clubfoot the end." Fuck off. Even your aliens were lame.

Next up: 'Song of Kali' by Dan Simmons, simply because three people whose judgement I trust have called it the scariest thing they've ever read. I'm skeptical, as Simmons wrote that bloated Hyperion series, which started out well, but ended with one of the biggest anticlimaxes I've ever read - "...wait, these tombs that we've been unable to penetrate for centuries are now opening of their own accord, and they're...empty!!!"

There ya go: I just saved you about eighty bucks and twice that amount in time spent reading four volumes of overhyped garbage.

Still: here's hoping.

4. Fuck you Harry Potter.



No, I don't mean that; but anyone who thinks J.K. Rowlings wrote anything revolutionary should read Pullman's trilogy to see how one writes for kids without being condescending, and you never once hear the term 'muggles'.

Okay now I'm tired so I'm going to bed and if you call me and wake me up I will scream and stab you with a fork. No foolies.

Muddy With Twigs And Branches

1. I don't know if this is something that really inspires pride in my fellow human beings; if anything, it causes me to loathe you all even more, as you all obviously spend too much time drooling over mediocre karaoke singers and horribly unfunny fratboys.

2. I have the new Bjork. One song in, and it's already incredible. It also goes along way to proving what I've always maintained about Timbaland: brilliant as a producer, nothing but dead weight when he's in the spotlight.

I also have the new Dinosaur Jr.; as much as I'm sure I'll like it, I think I'm only buying it out of habit. We'll see. (Holy Toledo! J Mascis got OLD!)

3. Why hasn't the new Battles album come out yet? Wasn't it supposed to be available in, like, December? I know more than half of the people who work at all the cool record stores, and I demand satisfaction, goddamn it. This is the kind of brilliance we're being deprived of:



...I know: it hurts to have to wait. Fuckers.

4. I swear to god this wasn't me. I ain't got nothing against city hall, and my preferred form of civic protest is to just not pay my taxes for multiple years on end. Plus, I once shot an eagle with a pellet gun when I was kid, and I still feel kinda bad about it...

5. ...and you wonder why I have such a dismal view of humanity.

6. Sarah Ford: I want a 3-piece meal from Chicken On The Way, and I want you to bring it to Beano, and I want it tonight, or the next time I see you, I'm putting peanut butter in your hair.

Anyway: since no one wants to go see Spiderman 3 with me tonight (Dan Roy calls it 'the worst movie ever', but then Dan plays with fireworks for a living...), I'm gonna go play basketball by myself and then help out at work, because I have no life of my own. Maybe that weird asian kid who hangs out at the church will be my friend for a few hours, at least...(getcher minds outta the gutter; he just likes to shoot hoops, that's all)...