See, if it rains, it'll wash off his disguise, and then everyone will see him for the Antichrist that he really is...

So, um, yeah.

I have no witty comment for this.

Except, well, okay. Here's the premise, as I understand it: you believe in a force so omniscient that it created the cosmos and dimensions of time and space and thought and stars and planets and baby ducks and rockets and shoes and string and squirrels and late-night TV and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lego and barometric pressure and even, y'know, Sour Cream & Onion chips. Alla' that stuff. You believe in a creator whose will you say is in all things, from the birth of the largest galaxy to the death of the most infinitesimal cell in your body and all manner of things in between. You say that nothing happens without this deity's say-so, right? You show me 'proof', and more 'proof', and even more 'proof', and then turn around and say the proof is in your heart, that it's a matter of faith.

I get all that. I do. What I don't get is this matter of petitioning this Architect of Everything into performing parlour tricks in order to alleviate fears you might have about two fellas kissin' and wimmens gettin' uppity and ohmigod there's a coloured fella in the White House please God make it rain and wash 'em all away.

I'm sorry - that was unfair; still, this all seems to fly in the face of the whole idea of faith.

Here's an idea: howzabout you pray for 'God' (for lack of a better term) to move within the hearts and minds of your fellow Americans, to cause them go out and vote according to their own consciences, and then if things go your way, high-fives for everyone, but if they don't, well, that's cool, because that's the way it's supposed to work, right?

(And I know it's easy for me to sit up here and take potshots at American culture and politics, but please understand: I live in Canada. Our political system is boring, run by used vacuum cleaner salesmen and ex-hippies. No one gets to have any fun whatsoever, and we all have to sing songs about a Queen who doesn't even live here.)

Anyway: just needed to get that outta my system. Do what you want, because according to MY beliefs, it's only eight more years until the universe emerges from its larval stage and turns into a bratty teenager, and we all become cosmic acne and pubic hair and wet dreams, and then Jesus returns from his vacation to say, "Aw, man, you guys got it ALL wrong, what I meant was this..." and then we all eat cake.

I turn my back for five goddamned minutes...

Apparently, American Apparel has opened a store in my neighbourhood, which means that I really have to start training my daughter how to defecate on command, so that when we pass by the shop on our morning walks, we can properly communicate our feelings regarding their douchey clothes.

A few quick things:

1. Tagging done truly old school.

2. The best song I've heard in a long time.

3. If you fell for this, you really deserved to lose however much money you spent on it.

4. Robert Downey, Jr. to play Sherlock Homes? Yes, please. Sacha Baron Cohen to play Sherlock Holmes, as well? Sure, why not?

5. This is possibly the most disturbing thing I have seen in a long time, and I'm a David Lynch fan.

6. ...and now, a man jumping on eggs.

Gotta go shave. Be good.

Nothing says you've made it like dancing with muppets.

The big problem in waiting so long between posts, aside from the obvious fact that everyone forgets that you have a blog in the first place, is that by the time you're ready to post, you've got so much cool stuff to talk about that the task seems monumental, and you decide that it's too overwhelming, and you end up watching reruns of Mad About You on TV instead.

Not that that's a bad thing. Helen Hunt is hot, yo.

But, yes: I gots a lot o' cool stuff to jabber on about, but right now the Little Miss has managed to fit her entire fist in her mouth, and I gotta make sure she don't choke during her mom's allotted quota of three hours of sleep per night. So, until next time, here's Feist truly showing how awesome she is by rewriting one of her songs for Sesame Street:



Honestly - if you don't think this makes her cooler than your mom, I will punch you in the arm.

I believe this is your sandwich?

This is my most favourite thing on the internet right now. It's probably better than the new Batman movie, even though I hear that the new Batman movie is the best movie ever made and that watching Heath Ledger as the Joker will cure cancer. Still, I likes this:



Now I must sleep.

And now...

...the Ladyfriend and I discuss childcare.

No Sleep City.

So, I used to have this game that I'd play with my sisters, back when they were toddlers; it was called "Chris Sleeps", and basically it went like this: my sisters would wake me up and ask me to play a game with them, I'd tell them we were playing Hide & Seek, they'd go hide, and I'd go back to sleep.

You can't do that with a newborn. When you tell them to go hide, they just kinda lie there. Sometimes they drool, too, but they certainly don't go and hide behind the boxes in the crawlspace, letting you sleep for another hour or two.

Huh.

Stuff:

1. YES WE HAVE A NEW CAR! I AM A CAR-OWNER! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? It's a Volkswagon Golf and it's bright and shiny and it has enough room to smuggle a family of immigrants across the Texas/Mexico border and it'll make us soup when we're feeling yucky. Now we just have to work on me learning how to actually DRIVE the stupid thing...

2. ALSO I HAVE A PS3! I can see this SERIOUSLY hampering my efforts in learning how to drive, but it's okay, because a PS3 is like having a puppy only it doesn't shit on the floor.

3. Everyone must go see Hellboy 2, if only to watch Hellboy and Abe Sapien sing Barry Manilow. The rest of the movie is friggin' amazing, but that's really the best part.

4. Why is the new Beck CD really good? Well, obviously because it's Beck, for one, but also because it's produced by Danger Mouse, who by rights should be President Of The United States right now, seeing as he can seemingly do no wrong.

5. Sweaty man-love in front of hundreds of screaming wrestling fans? Pure awesome.

6. More science goodness.

7. I don't know how, but this is possibly the most addictive webgame I've come across - probably because it's got dinosaurs and DOOM!, but who am I to say?

8. A remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves? I'm strangely excited, but, again, y'know, it's probably the DOOOOM!!!!

9. Okay, okay, I'm excited, because Casino Royale was fingerlickin' good, but... Quantum Of Solace?

Really?

I mean, it's not as bad as, say, Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Where The Nazis Are Now Russians & John Hurt Babbles Nonsense & Harrison Ford Is Looking Ollllld & CGI Prairie Dogs WTF???, but this is Bond we're talking about here. Thunderball. Octopussy. Dr. No. License To Kill.

You see where I'm going with this, right?

...and that's about it. See, I gots me GTA IV, and this Russian mob story ain't gonna play itself, so, um, bye.

Quickly: I am totally NOT a cannibal.

It's true: the man who once said that he'd prefer to taste human flesh one day before ever owning a car NOW OWNS A CAR.

(There is no way I can make that statement justifiable, so I'll just say it was a matter of priorities and leave it at that.)

Pictures soon; and possibly many explanations that will only make me sound like more of a creep.