Nothing says you've made it like dancing with muppets.

The big problem in waiting so long between posts, aside from the obvious fact that everyone forgets that you have a blog in the first place, is that by the time you're ready to post, you've got so much cool stuff to talk about that the task seems monumental, and you decide that it's too overwhelming, and you end up watching reruns of Mad About You on TV instead.

Not that that's a bad thing. Helen Hunt is hot, yo.

But, yes: I gots a lot o' cool stuff to jabber on about, but right now the Little Miss has managed to fit her entire fist in her mouth, and I gotta make sure she don't choke during her mom's allotted quota of three hours of sleep per night. So, until next time, here's Feist truly showing how awesome she is by rewriting one of her songs for Sesame Street:



Honestly - if you don't think this makes her cooler than your mom, I will punch you in the arm.

I believe this is your sandwich?

This is my most favourite thing on the internet right now. It's probably better than the new Batman movie, even though I hear that the new Batman movie is the best movie ever made and that watching Heath Ledger as the Joker will cure cancer. Still, I likes this:



Now I must sleep.

And now...

...the Ladyfriend and I discuss childcare.

No Sleep City.

So, I used to have this game that I'd play with my sisters, back when they were toddlers; it was called "Chris Sleeps", and basically it went like this: my sisters would wake me up and ask me to play a game with them, I'd tell them we were playing Hide & Seek, they'd go hide, and I'd go back to sleep.

You can't do that with a newborn. When you tell them to go hide, they just kinda lie there. Sometimes they drool, too, but they certainly don't go and hide behind the boxes in the crawlspace, letting you sleep for another hour or two.

Huh.

Stuff:

1. YES WE HAVE A NEW CAR! I AM A CAR-OWNER! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? It's a Volkswagon Golf and it's bright and shiny and it has enough room to smuggle a family of immigrants across the Texas/Mexico border and it'll make us soup when we're feeling yucky. Now we just have to work on me learning how to actually DRIVE the stupid thing...

2. ALSO I HAVE A PS3! I can see this SERIOUSLY hampering my efforts in learning how to drive, but it's okay, because a PS3 is like having a puppy only it doesn't shit on the floor.

3. Everyone must go see Hellboy 2, if only to watch Hellboy and Abe Sapien sing Barry Manilow. The rest of the movie is friggin' amazing, but that's really the best part.

4. Why is the new Beck CD really good? Well, obviously because it's Beck, for one, but also because it's produced by Danger Mouse, who by rights should be President Of The United States right now, seeing as he can seemingly do no wrong.

5. Sweaty man-love in front of hundreds of screaming wrestling fans? Pure awesome.

6. More science goodness.

7. I don't know how, but this is possibly the most addictive webgame I've come across - probably because it's got dinosaurs and DOOM!, but who am I to say?

8. A remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves? I'm strangely excited, but, again, y'know, it's probably the DOOOOM!!!!

9. Okay, okay, I'm excited, because Casino Royale was fingerlickin' good, but... Quantum Of Solace?

Really?

I mean, it's not as bad as, say, Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Where The Nazis Are Now Russians & John Hurt Babbles Nonsense & Harrison Ford Is Looking Ollllld & CGI Prairie Dogs WTF???, but this is Bond we're talking about here. Thunderball. Octopussy. Dr. No. License To Kill.

You see where I'm going with this, right?

...and that's about it. See, I gots me GTA IV, and this Russian mob story ain't gonna play itself, so, um, bye.

Quickly: I am totally NOT a cannibal.

It's true: the man who once said that he'd prefer to taste human flesh one day before ever owning a car NOW OWNS A CAR.

(There is no way I can make that statement justifiable, so I'll just say it was a matter of priorities and leave it at that.)

Pictures soon; and possibly many explanations that will only make me sound like more of a creep.

Soft As Silk.

So, Sunday night, Hazel's finally dropped into a coma after screaming bloody murder for three straight hours, The Ladyfriend's napping, and I decide: I need chocolate. The nearest store is only three blocks away, and I encounter these on my way there:




Sometimes, it's like the universe is giving me a great big hug (but, y'know, only to cop a feel of my butt, but that's the way I like it...).

1000 Types of Grumpy.

So, yes, Jamie Fooks and I made a teenager cry; we didn't mean to, but it started with some confusion over a non-existent twenty-dollar bill and ended with a hot chocolate left cold and lonely on the bar for about an hour while this tiny girl sobbed in the corner as she waited for her parents to come pick her up. We are officially JERKS.

Also: you haven't lived until you've heard Fooks yell out, "My chin's gonna come over there and fuck you in the ass!" (No, she didn't say that to the teenager; I will say, however, that if you get the chance to spend any amount of time in a van with Jane Vain & The Dark Matter, you should do so, as it is better than LSD.)

Anyway: hey, I guess it's been some time, huh? I know, most of you can barely face the day without a dose of my online wit and wisdom (mostly concerning the fact that I have better taste in music than all of y'all, and occasionally regarding videos of wetbrained skate-jocks putting their feet through a woodchipper in order to gain fleeting internet fame...), but I've been apparently busy teaching my daughter how to projectile poop at the most inappropriate times, i.e., every time I remove her diaper.

It's a laugh. Really. Also: inserting suppositories into a constipated baby? Way to make me feel like a chump, Medical Science, and my daughter also thanks you for that gelatin brick that's lodged in her butt.

The sad fact is, though, that my updates are probably going to be few and far between for a little while, as making sure Hazel doesn't swallow her own fist and then headbutt the neighbour's dog has to be my first priority; besides, coming up with something witty to say about the new My Morning Jacket at 4:00 a.m. with only one hand free and vaseline lining your nasal cavity from the last time you changed the diaper and she kicked you in the nose is just HARD, y'know?

"But, Chris," you cry, "What the hell does any of this have to do with the title of the post, 1000 Types Of Grumpy?"

Oh, right, forgot about that...see, I work at a place where I have to deal with , well, assholes, and I have a tendency to sometimes treat customers gruffly, because, y'know, they're basically children and need to be scolded as such. There are times, also, when said people call me on my surly demeanour, an occasion that happened a few days back when Mads referred to me as Beano's token surly employee and a yuppie douchebag decided to inform me that I was 'missing out on a great path' and that the Buddhists had mapped out 1000 different types of bliss.

Because I'm a jerk and I can't keep my mouth shut, I replied, "Well, I've got 1000 types of grumpy."

After some more useless banter, which pretty much consisted of the two of us trying to out-clever each other and failing miserably, he said he was interested in seeing this list, which obviously I don't have, because ONLY BUDDHISTS SEEM TO HAVE THE TIME TO SIT AROUND AND KEEP TRACK OF HOW HAPPY THEY ARE. But, y'know, I said I'd get it to him, and now I've gotta come up with a list of the different ways I hate all of you. It's okay, though, because I've already got the first one: Oppositional Grumpiness, which occurs when someone decides to make it their business to try to cheer you up, resulting in your bad mood souring even further.

Hey, that was actually kinda easy. I might just enjoy this.

But, hey, what would a post of mine be without (ahem) stuff:

1. Penguin Books' amazing new advertising campaign.

2. I'm not sure about the new My Morning Jacket. Half of it is this weird 80's r&b vibe, while the other half is...not. I'm not saying it's bad - I'm just saying that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS IS.

3. David Lynch is awesome.

4. Death of a cel phone. (honestly, this is the creepiest thing I've seen in a long time; I swear to god, that's a demon that comes out of the wreckage...)

(Oh, hey - the new Indiana Jones? Aside from the putrid CGI squirrels at the beginning and the horrid tarzan scene, it was FANTASTIC. 'Nuff said.)

5. CD's you should own: J-Live's Then What Happened? (solid no-nonsense hip-hop), The Herbaliser's Same As It Never Was (ridiculously good funk/breakbeat/hip-hop/soul fusion, as always), The Notwist's The Devil, You & Me (electronic indie pop that has nothing to do with Ben Gibbard and therefore isn't sentimental beyond belief but will still break your heart at certain moments...).

6. TV shows you should avoid at all costs: Veronica Mars. No, really. Fuck. This. Shit.

7. I want to be Benjamin Linus when I grow up.

I think that's it for now. Like I said, updates on here might be spotty for the time being, although I'm actually thinking of just posting guerilla-style updates, for those times when you absolutely HAVE to know about NASA greeting aliens with Dorito ads. We'll see.

Go away. I have Surliness to document.