So I’m writing a script about a killer iceberg; it’s gonna be a monster movie with an environmental theme, as the final scene will have the iceberg (‘Floe-jira’? ‘Florca’? We’re still working on a name…), having just laid waste to the U.S. Navy and withstood it’s various WMD’s (Dude: ICE TENTACLES. Hell, yes.), ends up melting away in the Gulf of Mexico amidst the skeletons of abandoned oil rigs, undone by Global Warming – “…what we once demonized as our age’s greatest affliction turned out to be our greatest weapon…” some wise Charlton Heston-esque actor will ruminate as the last of the glacial horror dissipates and our hero and his girl embrace in a leaky emergency raft. It’ll be tearful, believe you me. Like Toxic Avenger, Food Of The Gods, and Orca rolled into one movie.
The sequel will contain sharks and bees driven mad by cellular phones. It’s so obvious, it’ll write itself. I am gonna be SO rich.
This is all because Alison was reading some poem last week by some Canadian author about, well, an iceberg melting, to which I said, and I repeat, “Fuck dat shit.”
Did you know that an iceberg that’s less than a metre long is called a Growler? How cool is that? Research is fun!
Okay, I gotta say: wouldn’t the appearance of the Antichrist be viewed as a necessary evil by those of the Christian faith? Wouldn’t it actually be a validation of biblical prophecy? I’d think that most of you would tolerate his presence if only in anticipation of the massive house-cleaning that super-Jesus is supposedly bringing to the table. I’m just sayin’, is all…and before this turns into another knock against Christians, lemme just say that I find this guy’s followers to be as creepy as fuck. Like, Exorcist/Omen creepy. Also: if God and Satan got into a fight, God would TOTALLY kick Satan’s butt. He’s GOD; that’s like being John McClane times three.
Jack Valenti can no longer stop you from seeing pubic hair. Enjoy.
…oh, and apparently it’s been recently discovered that if you invite 100 teenagers into your house, they will fuck shit up. I know! Whoda thunk it? It’s like they’re tiny people with way too many hormones, and the alcohol isn’t putting them to sleep like it did when they were babies!
Today is my last day here in the Fattening Pen, and they’re bringing in pizza for lunch to celebrate (which, incidentally, is how my parents commemorated my grad...). I’ve already taken home my office voodoo set, and I gave Tyson the cow skull to remember me by, and I’m just trying to figure out how to smuggle out my SILVER SPACE-AGE Swingline stapler, as well as one of those label-makers. All I can say is getmethefuckouttahere.
This is currently "rocking" my "headphones", as you kids say:
3 comments:
If global warming ruins mega ice-bergs, then maybe it will end up destroying Los Angeles, which is my most hated city in the world. Have you been there? It reeks of smugness.
I think I'll have the iceberg-monster destroy L.A.; is that cool?
By the way: Andy came up with the best name for the movie.
Das Berg.
hahahahahaha! This is one monster i'd love to see win. Actually, I love monsters. All of them win.
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