Sometimes all you need is a bit of Cracker to realize that as bad as things might seem, they could always be worse. God bless you, David Lowery; it takes a wiser man than I to realize that even skinheads need recreation, too.
So. Christmas. Anyone else feel like just giving it a pass this year and sleeping in for a couple of days? Nothing like a misappropriated holiday to turn the usual bunch of mouth-breathers that I deal with on a daily basis into raving coprophiliac monkey-children. Attention Jerkfaces: it's not my fault that the stores are out of Nintendo's Guitar Groupie Hero With Real Fellating Action that your kid's been whining for since last April. It's not my fault that the stores know to jack their prices during this time of year, or that they force their employees to sport limp felt gnome caps and glow-in-the-dark noses*, nor is my fault that every stereo system in the city seems programmed to play Billy Ocean's Funky Fresh Christmas featuring Amy "I'm A Christian For Real This Time" Grant and Micheal "My Golden Voice Was Created In A Lab By The Same Evil Minds That Brought You Napalm And Micheal Jackson's Weird Skin Disease" Buble. I can understand why all of this would drive you to take an icepick to your frontal lobe, but it's not my fault. Hell, I only serve coffee, and while I may not be the best at it, I'm not too shabby, so take your misdirected petulance elsewhere, or I'll brain you with a portafilter. I swear, you should all be spayed and neutered and kept in cages like stray animals.
I'm gonna have a daughter soon, and I promise that every year around this time, I'll take her out and teach her how to ice down the parking lots of malls.
Rant over. Stuff:
1. One More Sign Of The Decline Of The American Empire: The Lakota Indians withdrawing from every treaty they hold with the United States.
I have no words aside from: HOLY CRAP.
2. Why does it not surprise me that Scott Baio is 45 and single? Why would any network think people would want to watch this?
Oh. That's right.
3. New Batman Trailer: dude, I can barely stop from touching myself in anticipation.
4. NEW HELLBOY MOVIE??? Okay, I just exploded.
5. Found: the missing link between Raccoon and Whale. Wait, what? Was anyone actually looking for this? Really?
'kay, I gotta go. I gots presents to wrap (cuz despite my rant, I do loves me the season), gin to drink and more X-Files to watch. Hey, Chris Carter, could you maybe write another episode where Mulder finds his sister and then promptly loses her, or where Scully rediscovers and then questions her faith in God?** Because those ones NEVER get tired.
* ...um, stay away from Beano on Christmas Eve. Please.
**This would actually be funny if the show hadn't ended, like, years ago.
So. Christmas. Anyone else feel like just giving it a pass this year and sleeping in for a couple of days? Nothing like a misappropriated holiday to turn the usual bunch of mouth-breathers that I deal with on a daily basis into raving coprophiliac monkey-children. Attention Jerkfaces: it's not my fault that the stores are out of Nintendo's Guitar Groupie Hero With Real Fellating Action that your kid's been whining for since last April. It's not my fault that the stores know to jack their prices during this time of year, or that they force their employees to sport limp felt gnome caps and glow-in-the-dark noses*, nor is my fault that every stereo system in the city seems programmed to play Billy Ocean's Funky Fresh Christmas featuring Amy "I'm A Christian For Real This Time" Grant and Micheal "My Golden Voice Was Created In A Lab By The Same Evil Minds That Brought You Napalm And Micheal Jackson's Weird Skin Disease" Buble. I can understand why all of this would drive you to take an icepick to your frontal lobe, but it's not my fault. Hell, I only serve coffee, and while I may not be the best at it, I'm not too shabby, so take your misdirected petulance elsewhere, or I'll brain you with a portafilter. I swear, you should all be spayed and neutered and kept in cages like stray animals.I'm gonna have a daughter soon, and I promise that every year around this time, I'll take her out and teach her how to ice down the parking lots of malls.
Rant over. Stuff:
1. One More Sign Of The Decline Of The American Empire: The Lakota Indians withdrawing from every treaty they hold with the United States.
I have no words aside from: HOLY CRAP.
2. Why does it not surprise me that Scott Baio is 45 and single? Why would any network think people would want to watch this?
Oh. That's right.
3. New Batman Trailer: dude, I can barely stop from touching myself in anticipation.
4. NEW HELLBOY MOVIE??? Okay, I just exploded.
5. Found: the missing link between Raccoon and Whale. Wait, what? Was anyone actually looking for this? Really?
'kay, I gotta go. I gots presents to wrap (cuz despite my rant, I do loves me the season), gin to drink and more X-Files to watch. Hey, Chris Carter, could you maybe write another episode where Mulder finds his sister and then promptly loses her, or where Scully rediscovers and then questions her faith in God?** Because those ones NEVER get tired.
* ...um, stay away from Beano on Christmas Eve. Please.
**This would actually be funny if the show hadn't ended, like, years ago.
1 comment:
do you want to write childrens books together?
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