"Angie Dickinson could suck the sorrow off a recent widow..."

Right now, the couple who live beneath me are having very loud sex, and seem to have climaxed at least four times in the ten minutes that it's taken me to open the door, take off my shoes, beat the gimp, check my mail and then wonder what kind of satanic nipple-chewing was going on downstairs. I'm torn; see, part of me thinks, "Yay, team! Have lotsa sex! It's fun!", while another part of me thinks that if I'm not having it at this moment, then NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD gets to have any.

Of course, the next question is: do I put on the headphones and listen to very loud music in order to drown out the she-banshee below, or do I find the spot in my apartment with perfect acoustics and join in on my own?

I didn't say that...

Anyway: I have triumphed over the Evil Sickness that tried to take root in my sinuses (sinii?), using ancient methods of healing involving self-flagellation, rabid monkeys, a steam room and a picture of Alan Alda smoking crack. All of this has left me weak and feeble and unable to spoon my mashed-up Pop Tarts into the dry, filth-encrusted maw I use as a mouth, but I am Clean and Whole and No Longer Retching In Pain, which is a good thing.

Speaking of good things? The Assassination Of Jesse Jame By The Coward Robert Ford. One of the few cases where the movie is just as good as the book. See it now, or I will beat you with a wrench. I also forced the Ladyfriend to watch the first Die Hard movie (because she hadn't yet, which really bothers me, because everyone should see Alan Rickman as a brooding German corporate thief/terrorist...), and I think she liked it, but she's got a good poker face, so I can't really tell, but I'm still gonna make her watch the rest of the series, because John McClane, that's why.

Oh, by the way: Live Free Or Die Hard? RIDICULOUS. But, in a fun way, y'know? Bruce Willis punches a stealth bomber until it cries, but it's great because Kevin Smith plays the sheltered nerd we all know him to be; and also: Justin Long, who is funny just standing still.

That's all for now. I need to listen to this shiny new Patton Oswalt CD, which is what you get when you bring hot chocolate to the nice people at the record store.

OHOHOHOHOHOH!!!! I totally forgot to tell you guys! There's a computer they found in a Roman shipwreck, or something! It tells time better than a Rolex!

If any of my friends are within earshot: bring me meat and lots of it.