Yes, I used the term 'cooch'.

My daughter can't stop touching herself. There, I said it.

No, really - the moment we've got the diaper off, her hand heads straight for her cooch, and I die a little inside each time. It's like she's got no sense of modesty, and she's already 5 months old - I fear for an existence spent entirely chugging heroin beers at ringside for Wrestlemania, except for those brief interludes when she's resisting arrest for urinating on cops or something equally as classy...

...and speaking of classy:

1. So help me God, this is probably the only thing that people are gonna remember from this upcoming U.S. election (unless, of course, the pundits on both sides are right, and a) Obama wins and then promptly gets assassinated, or b) McCain wins and promptly dies of old age, both options filling me with an eerie sense of calm dread...): the Sarah Palin-inspired adult release, aptly named Nailin' Paylin, and the dildo shaped like Obama's head.

It's like...well, I don't know what it's like. It just makes me a little sad, y'know?

2. Oh, and then there's Ashley Todd, who beat herself up, carved a backwards 'B' into her cheek and then told police that a black Obama supporter did it to her. Nice.

3. More class for ya: newlyweds tasered at their own wedding and reception.

I had more, but the HILJ is currently attempting to chew her way through the hardwood floor, and her mother will kill me if Hazel gets a splinter. Here's German Bert & Ernie lecturing you about smoking just to give your day that added dose of surrealism. Don't say I don't love you.

Humans Making Turkey Noises Should Be Avoided At All Costs.

Okay, so maybe I'm NOT so hot at chess, as exemplified by Josh's rook slapping my king here like a pimp asking his ho' for his percentage.

Yes, sometimes we serve coffee at our workplace shut up.

Also: before I post the link to these videos, I should point out that by no means do I think all supporters of the McCain/Palin ticket share the views of the people here; I'm just astonished at the sheer bulk of ignorance displayed. Obviously the big issue facing America today is whether or not Obama's a terrorist - silly me, I thought the fact that your economy is voiding it's bowels like a dying horse might be a tad more imperative, but I guess we should all focus on skin colour instead.

From Blogger Interrupted: The McCain/Palin Mob Part 1 & Part 2.

(Oh, and there's a Canadian election going on too but it's kinda of like the political version of Monopoly money, y'know?.)

Now I must go shoot a turkey and feed it to my baby.

Our Work & Why We Do It.

Last night marked a new era in my career as the token bully at Beano, as I was able to convince a young lady to eat a handful of spent whipped cream that had been sitting in the sink with soapy dishwater, in exchange for a free latte. Strangely enough, she required very little coercion, and I even tried to stop her at the last moment.

No, really; I almost feel bad about it, y'know?

We also introduced a new food item onto the Beano menu: a date-bran muffin with all the dates picked out of it by Sarah, and then put back together with scotch tape by me. I'm interested to see how well it sold.

Also I must point out that here is where I TOTALLY destroyed Josh at chess:

Up in the left corner? That's my queen all up in Josh's king's face, and she's all like, "Whut? Whatchoo gonna do, punk? You don't know me! You don't know my friends! Make a move, yo!"

Oh, and last night's coffees were inspired by the lovely Ms. Laura Farn, who is neither a bitch nor a virgin, but has certainly been fascinating at times.

Now I must go shower so that I do not stink anymore.

Your Dirty Sex Makes God Send Hurricanes.

I have no words.