I AM, I AM, I AM SUPERMAN, AND I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

So, the move is over, and I am now co-habitating with a girl with whom I have been known to have sexual relations with, which is a first for me; so: yay?

No, really, all is good, the move is done, and now we just gotta wait for the li'l Starfish to stop kicking the Ladyfriend's insides and pop on outta there. It'll be like Groundhog Day, but without the extra six weeks of winter, nor will there be any sign of Bill Murray (thank Christ...)

Also: unpacking. A whole buncha that.

But I just wanted to take this moment to say: I was hoping that the new R.E.M. wouldn't suck. I was hoping it'd be better than Up, or Reveal, both of which really made me question my taste in music, y'know? But this? This is GOOD; not just 'better-than-their-last-album' good, but this might even hold up against Document or Life's Rich Pageant, and I gotta say, I was not expecting that.

So, I'm gonna go sit down now, and take a few deep breaths, and watch a few movies, and then maybe I'll get back to posting incredibly witty things for y'all to laugh about.

(Ahem.)

Jasmine on my remarkable ability to grow facial hair: "Chris is like a radioactive Chia Pet!"

Also: Barsky kept talking about how he should try to kill someone this weekend, because it's Easter, and he is Beano's token Jew.

I swear to god I am not making this up.

Now I am going to bed.

Punch Me I'm Irish.

So, did any of you punch an Irishman for St. Patrick's Day this weekend? If you didn't, it's okay, because you're basically allowed to do it all week, because no one cares about the Irish, and you'll probably only remind them of their fathers anyways...

KIDDING! Just kidding. I figure if an entire country gets a holiday named after 'em, then we're at least allowed to send a little bit of gentle ribbing in their direction.

(please don't come after me with baseball bats thank you I love you?)

Anyways: been some time since I posted, which is understandable, as I am currently in the midst of packing so that I can move into a house with my preggers Ladyfriend and her Hairy Urchin and we can all sit terrified waiting for Zombie Baby to emerge and visit her unearthly rage upon the world...wait, no. I'm thinking of something else; I am moving, but it's a good thing, despite the fact that it'll be the first time in close to fifteen years that I won't live in the beltline.

Yes, I am afeared. No longer will I be able to just wake up and have everything I need a mere five minutes from my door; soon I'll be buttressed by riverside joggers and Chicken On The Way, both of which fill me with immeasurable dread.

It's okay, though. I just gotta breathe, is all.

Anyway: stuff, which means MUSIC!!!

1. Don't listen to this unless you enjoy being raped in the ear by gypsies. No, really.

2. Yes, Boris, if these two songs are anything to judge it by, the upcoming Breeders album is definitely worth getting excited about.

3. Queens Of The Stone Age vs. Young Dro. This almost beats out that 'Kryptonite' tune as my favourite mash-up discovery of the year. Lemme see ya bounce right an' left and see yo' shoulder lean.

4. Hey, remember the first time Modest Mouse came through town, how they got so drunk that they ended up only playing about seven songs, two of which were "The Stars Are Projectors" played back to back? Yeah, I know, it sucked, but The Helio Sequence opened for them, and they were pretty good, and their new song is impressive.

5. Bil Hetherington introduced me to The Notwist back when we were both sleeping on the job at Megasomethingorother. Think of them as the Postal Service, but better, and oh yeah here's the new song enjoy.

6. Cavalera Conspiracy, Inflikted: This is SUCH. GOOD. METAL. In fact, it's funny: it turns out that all Sepultura really needed all this time was for Max to rejoin, while all his own band (Soulfly) needed was for Igor to play drums. Either way: prepare to be hit in the head with wonderful, wonderful heaviness.

7. Del Tha Funky Homosapien, Eleventh Hour: I don't think you need to me to tell you how good Del is, right? I mean, y'all know about Hieroglyphics, and Both Sides Of The Brain, and the first Gorillaz album, right? Right? Fun Fact: Del is the only hip-hop artist I've ever seen live. I know, I'm sooooo white.

8. ...oh, and speaking of good hip-hop? Ex-Beano coffee-monkey and all-around pleasant individual Jim Brown just released another solo effort under the name Rank Nubah; again, I'm too white to know what that means, but you can pick it up at pretty much anywhere in town, and it's worth your while.

9. Hey look, R.E.M.'s back and they don't completely suck anymore. I mean, the new song's nowhere near Automatic For The People quality, but neither does it completely blow, so, yay. I think.

10. I really wish this was called "All Those Whores Meant Nothing To Me" as David Lowery initially intended.

On the movie front: 30 Days Of Night was better than I thought, while 3:10 To Yuma was disappointing, and both of them featured Ben Foster proving that he could play more than a whiny art school reject. Also: Hitman was worse than anything Bryn's got in his collection (and he's got a lot of bad movies...)(and what's worse is that I expected it to be bad...), while The Host is probably the BEST MONSTER MOVIE EVER.

Also: I really liked the Ang Lee version of The Hulk, but I gotta admit, seeing Edward Norton play the big green guy opposite Tim Roth as the bad guy? Oh yes please.

(and even though there's a new Indiana Jones movie coming out, this new one by Stephen Chow might actually be 2008's Most Awesome Movie Ever.)

...um, okay, my interwebbery just blanked out for about three hours there, so I'm gonna go do something constructive now. Just think: the next time I post anything, I'll probably have a new postal code!

Elephant Bukakke

So, Matthew Mcconaughey was letting my Ladyfriend use his upstairs bathroom, and as I wandered around his house, which doubled as an after-hours hillbilly sex-club, I started to notice all the dismembered body parts that he'd set-up in strange and horrendous tableaus all over his basement, which of course meant that we had to fend off his inbred clan's advances, and we'd barely escaped with our lives when the zombie apocalypse happened, and we watched a group of Tibetan monks sit stoically on the highway as they were devoured by the undead.

That's when the Ladyfriend woke me up by tickling my feet, which really isn't as funny as everyone thinks, as it leaves one incapacitated and as helpless as a newborn kitten, but hey, if you guys are having fun, who am I to complain, even though I cooked up all that bacon for you and sat through two episodes of Kenny Vs. Spenny, or as I like to call it, Unlikeable Asshole Vs. Even-less-likeable Asshole.

Also: this picture freaks the hell outta me, which is probably why the Ladyfriend has it as her desktop picture now.

That's my weekend so far: Torture-porn dreams and unwatchable television and grease. If yours has come even close to being as disturbing, I will buy you a pie. Now I must go find pictures of fat squirrels to make the Ladyfriend happy and not eat my head.

(Next time I post I will have more music as I have discovered SO MANY NEW SONGS!!! I promise.)

'Statue Of Liberty' play.

OHMIGOD WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO DEFEAT THIS VILE SICKNESS IN MY HEAD???

Actually, I'm feeling pretty good right now, despite a relapse in flu-like symptoms a couple days back and last night's bout of, shall we say, projectile excrescence. I'm still crossing my fingers, though, and making the evil eye at anyone who crosses my path with a black cat and/or a Chick Tract.

Anyway; Things I Learned At Prenatal Class Part 5 (Because We Were Sick For Part 4 & I Lost The Notes From Part 3):

1. Breastfeeding is Good.

2. 'Foomping' is an actual technical term which refers to how a newborn will attach its head to the mother's breast. That's right: 'Foomping'.

3. Milk comes from breasts.

4. Sometime it's okay to carry the baby like a football, but you won't gain any yardage, so it's best to just go for a safety (...and I'm pretty sure nobody got that joke...).

5. Breastfeeding will solve all the problems in the universe.

6. You should put cabbage leaves in your bra, and then take them out when they've wilted. No, really, apparently it feels good or something, which is why I've got a head of lettuce stuffed down my shirt as we speak.

7. It's okay to tease the baby with a nipple when teaching it how it breastfeed, as long as you don't use foul language.

The other things we learned: The Ladyfriend and I are gonna be okay. See, we stayed late after class to catch up on what we missed the previous week (due to insane viral infestations), and our instructor had nothing but praise for our apparent confidence and attitude towards childbirth (in summation: "Oh. My. God. Okay, breathe. We're okay. I think." Seriously, that's all that goes through my head when I think about this stuff...); it was nice to hear, if a little shocking, as the two of us feel anything but confident.

So, um, yeah. We're gonna have a kid. In about a month or two.

Oh christ.

Changing the subject: Chris has new music!

1. I don't know why I like MGMT as much as I do; they're pretentious as fuck (in that 'let's dress up like Perry Farrell circa Porno For Pyros and glue twigs to our heads'), and the singer's got a voice that makes me wanna punch old people in the neck, but I can't help it. It's weird in the way that The Polyphonic Spree is weird, but only if Tim DeLaughter started taking heroin instead of LSD. I have a feeling that I'll hate this in three months, but for now, it's good.

2. Rocket From The Crypt just put out a recording of their final concert, suitably entitled R.I.P., and it's both sad and AWESOME, and if you don't like RFTC then you don't like life.

3. I really like the new Erykah Badu, but I'm white, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to like it.

4. So, Mark Lanegan and Greg Dulli have been threatening to release their Gutter Twins project for quite some time now, and here it is, and guess what? It sounds like Mark Lanegan and Greg Dulli playing music together! Go figure! I mean, it's enjoyable, because they're both extremely talented (you don't release an album the quality of Afghan Whig's Gentleman without having some chops, y'know?) but...well, that's where I'm gonna leave it, because I'm quite certain that the two of them would have no problem stomping me to the curb, were they so inclined. Lanegan sounds like he's survived on nothing but cigarettes and whiskey for the last twenty years, and Dulli's just a mean bastard all around, y'know?

That's all, except to say that someone reminded me about how Nick Cave was in The Assassination Of Jesse James... as a troubadour of sorts, and all I have to say that the only good thing about his appearance was that Casey Affleck threatened to shoot him.